Your wish granted...with a twist (part 2)

[cure]

I wish Mel Brooks was still making movies, and of the same quality as Blazing Saddles and Space Balls.

Granted. Mel Brooks is still making very worthy movies, in the ninth circle of Hell, and you have just had your ticket punched to a front row seat.

I wish the Tour de France, in light of systemic doping, was simply cancelled. And while we are at it, the Olympics too.

[JinnTolser]

Granted! The tourism industry in France suffers accordingly, and massive job losses result in Beijing, Vancouver, London, and Sochi, Russia, the expected hosts of the 2008, 2010, 2012, and 2014 Olympics, respectively. Once it becomes public knowledge that YOU are responsible for the billions of dollars in lost revenue to these cities, you are summarily banned from every country in North and South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Australia, forcing you to live in Antarctica... and a total embargo on the southermost continent prevents you from acquiring any food, electronics, or new clothing for your new residence.

I wish my dad would stop buying stuff we don't need just because it's on sale.

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Granted. He now buys stuff you don't need at three times retail price, just because he likes the look of said stuff.


I wish I had time for breakfast this morning.

[alhoon]

Granted! Time turns to breakfast time. You suddenly suffer from a heart attack and you fall, breaking a couple of dishes. The neighbohrs listen to your agonized cries and the broken dishes and call the ambulance. You spend the rest of the day (and some more) in hospital and eat breakfast there (syrum injected in your veins is the breakfast for today).

I wish I could eat the brain of 13th level wizard, when his fellows aren't close. (And in even if they were, I'm powerful enough to defeat them)

[JinnTolser]

Granted! You eat the brain of the wizard you wanted, while his fighter bodyguard is in the bathroom. He comes out, and you take him by surprise and kill him (possibly even getting a second brain in the process, if you want it). But the wizard's brain has a tumor, which makes you violently ill, and leaves you vomiting into the wastebasket for most of the next two days.

I wish I could shape-shift into anything I want, whenever I want.

[cure]

I wish I could shape-shift into anything I want, whenever I want.

Granted. You can turn into anything you want, not anyone you want, not even back to yourself, but into things of all conceivable sorts.

I wish that there were more repertoire theatres for watching great films of yesteryear.

[Sylaire]

Granted! 1,735 new theaters open, showing a quality selection of the types of movies you like. For an added bonus, the seating is comfortable, the prices reasonable, and the concession stand popcorn comes both with and without artificial butter-flavored grease. Unfortunately, they all open at various locations throughout scenic Myanmar. Enjoy your road trip.

I wish Barnes & Noble would get my package shipped, already!

[JinnTolser]

Granted! It ships immediately, and due to the (presumed) delay, they even tack on priority next-day shipping for free. Unfortunately, due to a computer mix-up, the package is mailed to someone of your name working in the Pentagon. All attempts on your part to learn what became of your package are met with responses such as "that package never existed." If you press too much, somebody will come along to silence you.

I wish I could focus better on things I want and/or need to do, instead of getting distracted so easily.

[alhoon]

Granted! You're injected daily with a syrum that helps you focus on what you need to do. The side-effects are that your hair fall off, your feet are painfully swolen, your eyesight worsens and you suffer from bad headaches quite often (That do not distract you from your work however)

I wish every day was Hallowing.

[HuManBing]

hal·low1 /ˈhæloʊ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hal-oh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object)
1. to make holy; sanctify; consecrate.
2. to honor as holy; consider sacred; venerate: to hallow a battlefield.

Granted. You live in a fundamentalist theocracy where daily prayer on your knees for hours each day is the norm. Enjoy hallowing every day before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Enjoy getting up at midnight to hallow the deity, also known as the Devourer. In fact, don't even worry about breakfast, lunch, and dinner, because the Zhakatan priests don't even want you to trouble yourself about eating. Once you've sufficiently lauded Zhakata's name, they'll redistribute food according to the Provider's wishes.

I wish to be hung, drawn, and quartered and left to die in a bloody fashion through excruciating pain, despair, and despondence that will serve as a tale of caution for misbehaving children forever after and even bring up the question of whether there is a deity of any mercy. And cheese.

[JinnTolser]

Granted! But the cheese they give you is moldy and makes you sick. As you are being hung, you throw up brightly-colored cheese, which causes the hangman to throw up as well, and lose control of the rope. The resulting spectacle of your falling face-first into your own cheese-vomit causes a riotous laugh among the spectators, preventing any chance of the event serving as any sort of example for people.

I wish all my groceries were free.

[lostboy]

Granted you no longer pay for groceries, in fact you cant remember the last time you reached into your wallet for anythiing and you have loads of spare cash. Good thing too as youve just been prosecuted for grand theft artichoke (What! It fits the GTA thing and it was the first A word that came to mind! ) and you lose the court case and get 5 to ten..... (Id like to give you more but GTArtichoke isnt really a major crime...)

I wish I dont have a hangover tommorrow....

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Good thing too as youve just been prosecuted for grand theft artichoke...

Somebody's selling artichokes for a grand apiece? Man, that's one heck of a ripoff!

I wish I dont have a hangover tommorrow....

Granted. You don't have a hangover tomorrow, because you never wake up tomorrow. Or the day after that, or the day after that, etc.


I wish I didn't have two exams to write by Monday so I could focus on the VRF:TotD exclusively.

[Sylaire]

Granted! A massive storm descends on your city, nearly obliterating civilization as you know it and leaving the local population without electricity, water, or sewer as they cower in the twisted rubble of their homes and stalk the streets looting and pillaging. School is put on hold indefinitely, so your exams are cancelled, and while your home is no longer standing, you did manage to salvage your laptop and several fully charged battery packs, so you are able to work all you want on VRF: TotD in between fighting off crazed looters.

I wish, now that I think of it, that I had just stuck with the obvious "Granted! You've been fired!" instead of coming up with something that sounded so much like real-world Hurricane Katrina.

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Granted. You did say "You're fired!" instead. However, your wish fizzles out because I've got tenure and am virtually impossible to fire, thus causing you still greater regret for having botched a wish-twisting in public.


I wish TV commercials weren't so bloody stupid and annoying.