Café de Nuit

WolfKook wrote: I wish more people became interested in the Ravenloft Reanimated project...

Granted! a Christian association gets word that you're trying to do evil stuff with vampires & magic and sues you for all of your money. A journalist, interested by your case, writes an article about how you shouldn't consort with the Devil.

You get burned at the stake few weeks after.

I wish for a COLLOSAL pepperoni pizza that stays fresh indefinitely,not animals eat it before hand & that I had a appropriate place to store it between attempts to eat it!

[Scene opens at a post office, at night. Man steps out from the side, wearing a suit, holding a cigarette and completely in black and white]
Submitted for your approval; Jules, proud owner of the world’s most colossal pizza. Little does he suspect that this thin-crust consumable so massive that it encompasses, in its entirety, the Twilight Zone.
March 2009
[Pizza Delivery Man]: “Here’s your pizza, sir. Just remember, you have to finish the whole thing.”
[Jules]: “It’s so massive! [Munch, munch!] And delicious!”
[Delivery Man]: “Indeed. (Rubs hands together evilly.)”
April 2009
[Jules]: “It’s still so good! I just wish I ordered some crazy bread.”
[Delivery Man]: (still rubbings hands evilly.)
Dec 2009
[Jules]: “The pizza just won’t go away! It’s just too massive.”
[Delivery Man]: “That’s right, it’s a Pizza Singularity. Its size pulls all other Italian food into it, thereby making it infinitely humongous. You’ll never finish it! Bwa ha ha ha ha!”
[Jules]: “Can’t I just stop eating?”
[Delivery Man]: “... No. Also, the pizza was made of people.”
Submitted for your approval; Jules, a man with a great deal of left-overs. Perhaps he’ll think twice about ordering a pizza... from the twilight zone.

I wish I hadn’t spent the last two years as a nocturnal post office. (Long story, don’t ask).

ScS of the Fraternity wrote:I wish I hadn’t spent the last two years as a nocturnal post office. (Long story, don’t ask).

That one's easy... Granted! You haven't spend the last two years as a nocturnal post office, but now you don't remember what you did any of those nights... However, you're increasingly aware that there are people following you, and then you start having those nightmares...

I with a won't burn at the stake

WolfKook wrote: I with a won't burn at the stake

Granted. you don't burn at the stake, the the mob tries the punishement, dunking you in the river for several minutes. You drown instead of being burned.

I wish I didn't mis-spell words when I type.

midnightcat wrote:
I wish I didn't mis-spell words when I type.

Granted. You are in a horrible accident leaving you completely paralysed, and your fingers are removed and given to an waiting amputy who consequently types better than you as he must go much slower.

I wish I midnightcat's fingers to replace my own in a horrible accident so that I might use them to type better...

granted,you are locked in a cell with criminal psychotics to dissect instead.
I wish that the spaceballs invaded the star wars universe.

jules wrote: I wish that the spaceballs invaded the star wars universe.

Granted, the Star Wars universe is overrun and conquered by the Spaceballs. Indeed it is such a stirring emotional and commercial success that Spaceballs go on to conquer nigh everything. And the WOTC people, never being shy about cashing in on someone else's commercial success, launch 5e where every arch-enemy, every ally, indeed every NPC, is a Spaceball. For quick gameplay all PC's are Spaceballs too. And in a revolutionary stroke of simplification, for movie like non-stop action, all the Spaceballs are the same Spaceball, making game play decidedly autoerotic.

I wish the Three Hags of Tepest would get their acts together and develop a bit of independent, individual personality.

Granted though unfortunately it is the same independent, individual personality that controls all three bodies. Yours!!!

I wish that I was able to see the future of my poorly worded wishes before they came to pass!

A G Thing wrote:I wish that I was able to see the future of my poorly worded wishes before they came to pass!

The Dark Powers grant you the vision that raunies use to foresee the consequences of their blackest curses. The Dark Powers also grant you a variation on Tourette Syndrome that causes you to scream out obscene wishes despite your foresight of the terrible, twisted consequences of each that will be ineluctably visited upon you.

I wish that the Dark Powers would hold an annual stakeholders meeting or at least give not infrequent newspaper interviews.

"I wish that the Dark Powers would hold an annual stakeholders meeting or at least give not infrequent newspaper interviews."

Done. The Dark Powers are all too happy to offer newspaper interviews. They will speak in the whispery voices of the interviewees past lovers and friends, they will answer any question posed to them with confusingly dark and cryptic responses or mocking laughter, and they will tempt the interviewee into dark pacts that will transform them into monsters and cause them to slaughter everyone in the newsroom. Within the week, the demiplane is filled with brand new domains.

As for the stakeholder’s meeting, Vlad Drakov graciously allows you and hundreds of your friends to attend his annual birthday celebration, at which you each meet a freshly sharpened stake, which will hold you in place as you slowly die in agony as he has a tasty dinner. Alternatively, every vampire hunter in ravenloft (the ones who most frequently hold their stakes) is magically compelled to meet in a specific location- Castle Ravenloft, at midnight. The count, of course, has been made aware of this and will have plenty of time to prepare a fitting welcome.

Now, my wish….I wish Lord Soth had been sent back to Krynn to do something more meaningful than pop up randomly in a crappy trilogy for five minutes expressly so he could be killed off.

Granted. It's not mentioned in the books, but he had time to grab a pizza and do some shopping on his way to getting killed off in a crappy trilogy. Given the petty and arbitrary nature of his demise, even that was something "more meaningful".


I wish this thread had come back to life sooner, and Ask A Darklord as well.

Granted but in doing such it happens many years before your existence and once more you sit hoping to necro it but no one is interested having moved on to the newer more exclusive versions of which you are not allowed to post on or even view but hear funny second hand comments on for all of eternity.

I wish that the Brain and the Illithid God Brain were perhaps more original in that they both have the same general look.

Granted. For there are not in fact two similar seeming entities, rather there is but one, with all the stuff about a near dead playboy son of an aristocrat being propaganda cleverly concealing that the Brain is an extension of the God Brain itself as it reaches out to bend all sentience to its will.

I wish the God Brain well in its endeavour.

Granted! The God-Brain finally solves the Theory of Everything. This fuels a resurgence of human effort in quantum physics research, but also triggers millions of nightmares worldwide as the Nobel Prize for Science is awarded to the God Brain and it turns up to accept it, on international live TV broadcast. Sales of barf bags go through the roof.

I wish there was some quick and easy way to power that could bypass the troublesome concerns of petty morality and award mindboggling abilities to the grantee, perhaps couched in terms of an extraplanar contract in which the spiritual core is a bargaining chip.